Winter 2001 These jokes were sent in between September and February of 2000-2001. Thanks to everyone who contributed. One Liners Why is it that every time someone tries pot and doesn't like it, they always go into politics? - Keith Beck These two potheads were sitting on the floor: One fell off. - George B. Your mamma's like a stoner--got a new pipe in her mouth every five minutes. - Anonymous A hippie's quote: A day without a buzz is a day that never was. M.A.D.D. = Marijuana Addicted Drug Dealer I guess you can say I'm a drug abuser: I just lost my bag of weed! I agree that drug dealers should be jailed: Their prices are a crime!! - Anonymous Support your local police-beat yourself up!! Homegrown sucks so I plant my seeds in the neighbor's yard - Pierre If any one sees Phillip A. Bowl tell him Justin is looking for him. - Justin Hail My favorite instrument is the bagpipes: I take it out of the bag and put it in the pipe. - Taz and Crowe You know you're really stoned when: It becomes a chore to use the lighter. - Anonymous When you are laying on the couch and you can't figure out where your dog learned to fly. - J&L inc. If. . . : If you thought the guy that just went by in the parking lot just yelled, "DOSES," then you might be a Deadhead. If you named your cat "China", or your dog "Jerry", or "Bob", you might be a Deadhead. - Billy Sapp Q. How many stoners does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Three. One to twist it in, one to hold the light bulb and another to catch it when the others drop it. - Pothead Q. How many blondes does it take to roll a joint? A. There's aren't enough blondes in the world. - Christin Q. What's the difference between a stoner and a car? A. A stoner rolls faster! - GinX Q. How do you keep a stoner in suspense? A. Tell you later - Anonymous Q. What did Deadheads do in the Summer of 67? A. 69 - Daisy350 THE MIRANDA RIGHTS FOR EVERYDAY LIFE The Police: "You have the right to remain silent. Of course, should you choose to exercise this right, we will know that you are guilty and try to beat a confession out of you. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, you're screwed and will be appointed a worthless lawyer who can't even hack Jacobie & Meyers. Do you understand these rights as I have read them to you?" - From Cracked magazine A Deadhead walks into a bar. And a stoner tells the Deadhead, "It's okay, I didn't see it either." - Anonymous This old hippie and his son are sitting on top of this hill when the son looks down and sees a large patch of marijuana. So he says to his dad ,"Hey dad! lets run down there pick one of those plants and take it home and smoke it!" To which the father then replies, "No son, let's walk down there and smoke them all!!!" - Corey~ZigZag I had to quit smoking crack. The last time I smoked so much I robbed my own house. - Anonymous Q. What do you call a stoner that doesn't inhale? A. Mr. President - Matt Carey, ROUTE666 Q. What's the best thing to do after you smoke a bowl? A. Smoke another. - DEAD BEAT BODY There were these two fishermen, Mack and Jack, who were out all day checking their nets, but they weren't having much luck. So at lunchtime Mack pulled out a set of blades from his tool box and said, "Let's do some oil blades." Jack said, "Right on!" They were on their way home when they suddenly realized that their boat was starting to sink. They were trying to bail out the water when Mack said, "I got an idea." He ran to the other end of the boat and came back after several minutes. Jack said "What did you do?" Mack answered, "Well you see, we are in the back of the boat so I thought if I put a hole twice as big as this one here in the front all the water will go out that one!!" - The Raving Lunatic Q. Why do sheep eat grass ? A. Because they don't have any hands to skin up with. - Rob Q. How long does it take before a pound of bud goes bad? A. I don't know! I never have it longer than an hour!! Q. How many stoners does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. One, as long as it's over a plant. Q. What do you call a Deadhead that just broke up with his girlfriend? A. Homeless... - Anonymous Q. Why did the hippie cross the road? A. To burn a bowl. - Cindy Q. How do you get a one-armed stoner out of a tree? A. Pass him the joint. - Rabih Blaze A college student went to class stoned one day. The teacher asks, how many of you feel you ever made out with a ghost before? The stoner stood up and said, "I have." The teacher asked, "Are you serious? You're telling me you slept with a ghost?" The stoner freaked out and said, "Ghost??? I thought you said a goat...." - Carlito Q. What happens to Raggedy Andy when he does down on Raggedy Ann? A. He gets cottonmouth. - WetMunky Q. What's the difference between a stoner and a tweeker? A. When a pothead is driving down a road he is driving about 20 mph and eating the upholstery. When a tweeker is driving down a road he is driving about 200 mph. and talking to the upholstery. - Anonymous Q. What's the difference between a rock musician and a U.S. savings bond? A. The U.S. bond will someday mature and make money. - Jdawg Q. How many stoners does it take to change a light bulb? A. One, I pretty sure one of us can do it. - Anonymous Q. If there are two potheads in the back of a car, then who is driving? A. The cop!!! - Tweek & Hash Q. If a canoe pulled up in your backyard and loses all four wheels how many pancakes would it take to fill a cathouse? A. None marshmallows don't have bones! - Elminster Q. Did you hear the one about the stoners who locked their keys in the car? A. It took them 2 hours to get out! - CarnalDave These two stoners were driving down the road and the passenger had to take a piss. He pointed to his left and said, "Hey, dude, pull up next to that tree over there, I gotta piss." The other stoner replied, "Man, that's the air freshener hangin' from the rear-view mirror!" - Anonymous Three stoners are in jail. They want to break out and so they discuss how to do that. The first says: Okay, guys, let's take some coke and bend those damn bars apart so we can leave this place." The second one says, "Hmm, I believe we should take some LSD so we can fly away through those bars." The third one shakes his head and says, "Yeah, that's all okay but I think we should smoke a joint and postpone this whole debate till tomorrow." - Howy Q. What do you say when you see two Deadheads passed out on the street? A. "Concert's over." - Anonymous Q. What do you call one bowl between three stoners? A. Malnutrition. - Anonymous Okay, okay- there's this string, and he walks into a bar and says, "Hey bartender, gimme a beer!" The bartender replies, "Sorry we don't serve strings here." So the string goes outside, ties himself up in a knot and frays his hair and comes back in. "Hey bartender, gimme a beer!" The bartender says, "Aren't you the string that just came in here?" The string says, "I'm a frayed knot!" - Tony These three guys die in a car wreck, and they all go to Hell. When they navive, the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was. The first guy says "It's gotta be the booze. I'm always drunk." The Devil decides to lock him in this room for 100 years with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol you could dream of. The guy's thinking, "Fuck yeah! Look at all this alcohol!" and runs into the room. The second guy says, "It's the women, I could never stay faithful to my wife." The devil opens the second door and nothing but the finest-looking naked women that you have ever seen. And he would be the only guy in there for 100 years. He couldn't believe it. His dick was instantly hard and he went hauling ass into the room and the Devil shut the door. The third man said "It's gotta be the bud. I'm always tokin' up." The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10-foot tall, icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death bud. The stoner can't believe it. He goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts the door behind him. One hundred years go by and the Devil comes back to check on the three men. He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He's got an empty bottle in one hand, he's completely naked, hasn't shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke, shit and piss. "I'll never drink again!!!" he says. The devil tells him that at least he learned something and decides to give him a second shot at life. The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out even faster than when he went in. "I'm fucking gay!!!!!" he screams. The devil decides that at least he learned not to cheat on his wife and gives him another chance as well. The devil then comes to the third door. He opens it and nothing has changed.The stoner is still sitting in the same position that he was 100 years ago. The devil asks him if he learned anything. The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek. "You gotta a light man?" - Anonymous Q. How do you know when the rotation is fucked up? A. When your the only one stoned! - No One Special This guy walks into a bar and the bartender says to him, "Where have you been?" The guy answers, "On top of Pothead Hill!" So another guy walks into the bar, and the bartender says, "Where have you been?" The guy answers, "Playing on top of Pothead Hill!" So this girl walks into the bar and the bartender says to her, "Have you been on top of Pothead Hill, too?" And the girl says, "No, I am Pothead Hill!" Q. What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? A. "Where's my tractor?" - Anonymous Two stoners are sitting under a tree smoking a joint. All of a sudden, a cop car drives by. Quickly, one of the stoners eats the joint. The cop car drives on by, paying no attention to the stoners. After the car passed, one stoner asks the other, "Why didn't you just hide the jay when the cop drove by?" And the other stoner replies, "What cop?" - FUZyNIPL One day this stoner walks in a bar. The first thing he notices is a sign that says, "If you can make this donkey laugh you win $500!" So the stoner walks up to the bartender and says "I'll try!" and the bartender says, "Okay! You're on!" So the stoner walks up to the donkey and whispers something in his ear and the donkey starts really laughing. The bartender gives him the $500, and the stoner dude leaves. The next day the stoner walks in the same bar and sees a brand new sign: "if you can make this donkey cry you get $500!" So the stoner says, "I'll try again!" And bartender says, "Well, okay... Lightning won't strike twice!" So the stoner walks up to the donkey, whispers in his ear again, and the donkey starts to cry like he's never cryed before. While the bartender goes to get the mop to dry off the floor, he gives he stoner his money, and the bartender asks, "What did you say? No one else has ever made him laugh or cry before!" The stoner says (after he takes a toke), Simple. To make the donkey laugh, I told him I had a bigger dick than he did." While taking another toke, he tells the bartender, "And to make that donkey cry... I showed him!" - KaZ iSMe A man walks into a bar with his dog and says to the bartender, "I betcha a free drink that my dog can talk." The bartender says, "You're on! Okay, let's see him talk!" The owner tells the dog to speak and the dog says, "Well, what do you want me talk about?" The bartender says, "Hey, that's pretty cool! You think if I gave your dog a 20-dollar bill he'd go across the street and order a drink from Sammy's bar?" "Sure," says the owner and the bartender gives the dog the money and the dog leaves. Well, ten minutes go by, then twenty, thirty, forty and finally, after an hour, the bartender says, "Where the hell is your dog?" The owner says, "I don't know, I'll go look for him." So the owner leaves the bar and goes around the corner and see's his dog sitting in the alley smoking a big phatty. The owner says, "What do you think you are doing? You've never done something like this before!" The dog looks at his owner, stoned to the bone, and says, "Well, I never had 20 dollars before either!" - U-DOGG, HCT Squad True story: Two stoners had just been smoking all day, and neither had moved off the couch. One looks at the other and in the most serious tone of voice said, "You know, I said something really smart one time, I just can't think of what it was." - Shinbone Q. Did you hear about the junkie who injected curry powder? A. He's in a "Korma." - Anonymous Q. How do you kill a Deadhead? A. Slam the toilet seat on his head while he gets a drink! - Micho H. This one's about the Spanish hippie who was taking a shit in the woods. While he was about to take his dump, a lady lost her dog named Aeyino (which means "not there" in Spanish). So while the hippie was taking his shit, the lady was calling her dog, "Aeyino! Aeyino!" So the hippie quickly pulled up his pants and moved. He found a good spot to shit, pulled down his pants, and started all over again. Then the lady called out "Aeyino" again and the hippie moved. "Not there! Not there!" the lady called out again and the hippie, frustrated, fell back while pulling his pants up. "Oh shit!" he said, as he realized he was falling over the dog. Then he looked around and saw he was in someone's pot patch. "Aha! There!" he said to himself in Spanish so he picked some buds off the plants and rolled the shit. - A Good Shit Q. Why was the pothead depressed? A. He had two joints, two hands, but only one mouth to smoke them with. - Anonymous Q. What do you call a hooker that smokes marijuana? A. A pothole! - Anonymous Q. If there are two trains, one heading west at 50 miles per hour, and the other heading east at 70 miles per hour, how many orange peels could you fit on a golf ball? A. None, because everybody knows that frogs don't eat pizza on Thursdays! - Captain Mud Two penguins are sitting in a bathtub. One says to the other, "Would you hand me the soap?" The other one says, "What do you think I am a typewriter?!" - Ally, from a friend of mine, Roger There are five people on a small commuter airplane: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, a hippie and a priest. Suddenly the engine stops running, and the plane starts going down. But there are only four parachutes. The pilot says, "I was flying the plane so I should have a parachute!" Everyone agrees. So the pilot jumps. Michael Jordan says, "I'm the best basketball player in the world, and I'm a role model to kids, so I should have a parachute!" Everyone agrees. So Michael Jordan jumps. Bill Gates says, "I'm the smartest man in the world, so I should have a parachute." The hippie and the priest agree, so Bill Gates jumps. The priest says to the hippie, "I have lived my life loving and worshipping god. You can have the last parachute." So the hippie says, "Don't worry, father! We both have a parachute. The smartest man in the world just jumped out of the plane with my book bag." - Melinda H. Q. What is the difference between a duck? A. Sponges, because firetrucks have wheels. - From Pot, skErry, DhranK, SHluu, & TAS This pothead walks into the doctor's office, and tells him that there is something terribly wrong with his penis. So the doctor asks the pothead to remove his clothes and prepares to thoroughly examine the pothead's body. After a short while, the doctor comes back up and says, "Sir, that's not your dick, that is a joint." So the pothead screams, "Oh my God! I smoked my dick!!" - Anarchist X A Jamaican, a Mexican, and an American are all sitting around arguing over which country grows the best pot. The Mexican says, "Everyone knows that Acapulco Gold is the best stuff on earth!" The Jamaican says, "Yeah, well why do all de tourists come to Jamaica to smoke the bes' ganja, man?" The American says, "I have the solution! We will smoke a joint of each person's pot and then take a vote!" So they smoke a joint of some Jamaican sinsemilla and they nod their heads and say, "Not bad." Then they smoke a joint of some American indoor-grown connoisseur bud and they say "Not bad!" Then they smoke a joint of some good, old-fashioned Acapulco Gold and the next thing they know they are all at Taco Bell asking each other, "Did we forget to do something?" - FoUrTwEnTy Knock, Knock! Who's there? Doobie Doobie who? Doobie a favor and pass me the joint. - Megan H. Q. How do you tell the Deadheads from the hardhats on an offshore oil drilling rig? A. They're the ones feeding bread crumbs to the helicopters. - Anonymous Knock knock! Who's there? Sharon. Sharon who? Sharon some kind bud if ya let me in! - Kind Stoner Q. If you put a blonde, Santa Claus, a hippie, the Easter Bunny, and Bill Gates together then dropped a big, fat joint in the middle of the room who would pick it up first? A. The blonde, cause she's used to dropping to her knees. - trablous girl Check 'out an older page Got any good pothead/stoner/grass/weed jokes? Send'em in to Da'Joint